Do you think sex is important in a relationship?

To put it clinically, sex is the physical expression of an attraction between two (or more) people. It’s the manifestation of a connection, whether that connection exists for one night, one year, one decade or a lifetime. When we focus on sexual activity as the defining characteristic of our relationship with others, we risk merging the way in which we express attraction with the object of our attraction themselves, which is to confuse two different elements. The primary in any relationship is the one you love, or desire to be with. The method by which you express that desire is important, but it’s also secondary.

Sex is one way to naturally express a desire towards another. There are many others: listening; giving of our time and resources; being committed; consistency; being sacrificial; being accepting; forgiveness; kindness; thoughtfulness; being communicative, and many more. In my opinion, sex has become almost a benchmark that must be hit in order for a relationship to reach the point of importance and value, but I reject that notion.

Many struggle with sex, for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes people struggle physically, to give or particularly to receive pleasure. Other times somebody’s negative self image can cripple them with questions about how anybody else can possibly find them attractive. Others still may wish to reserve sex until much later in a relationship and find that tough to deal with in an age where sexuality is quite open and promiscuity often actively encouraged.

I would say this: try to focus on the object of your affection. Few of us want to be with somebody just for sex and nothing else. Knowing that sex is a wonderful tool that you can both use and enjoy to express your desires, but that it is one tool among many, can help to stop sex from becoming a priority in itself, and that allows us to relax and enjoy each other for who we are.

One final word on this: nobody should feel fixated or pressured about sex, and nobody worth your time would ever make you feel bad for taking things at your own pace, when you’re good and ready. Sex is fun, it’s natural and it can be wonderful, but whether you indulge regularly, occasionally or not at all, it’s not there to be used as a criteria by which to judge your own worth or value. You’re just as sexy with or without it, so embrace that and be happy.

Assuming you’re straight, do you feel awkward doing gay audios?

I don’t feel awkward making any audios.

I try and cater for everybody by being varied in what I record, but mainly, I approach sexuality as something we all share and experience in different ways. There aren’t ‘heteros’ and ‘homos’, there are only ‘humans’, and the way our sexuality is manifested in different ways is just a beautiful example of how interesting and wonderful we are as a species.

I enjoy having fun and exploring every consensual sexual expression through my audios, and only plan to continue doing so.

I won’t feel awkward making any of them because the beauty and wonder of humanity transcends specifics, and that’s my level. I align with, accept and appreciate those of all sexualities, gender types and variations, and this blog doesn’t recognise the notion of being ‘awkward’ around any.

You worry about the categorisation, and I’ll worry about the orgasms 🙂

Is it a turn off to be a 24 year old virgin?

So this sounds like a ‘way things are’ vs ‘way I think things should be’ scenario. The latter is all consuming and presents a false standard against which we can judge ourselves. The former is, always has been, and always will be, totally fine.

That’s easy to say in theory, but in practice it can be hard and painful. I understand that. Don’t think that a casual Tumblr answer means I don’t get how difficult it can be.

I lost my virginity when I was your age. For years prior, I felt weird and stupid for feeling so behind everyone else. For years later, I felt weird and stupid for feeling so behind everyone else. The reality is, we’re always going to be strange on some douchebag’s spectrum. The answer isn’t to shuffle along in time with their rhythm, it’s to hear our own beat and live according to what moves us. If that means we wait for a while before we have sex, then that’s how it is for us. We embrace our life and we own it. We try not to compare ourselves to ideas of how it could or should be.

Picture our lives as a poetic dance. Sometimes it’s awkward and geeky, but it’s ours. And we are the only ones who can move to it like we own it. Because we do own it. Everyone else are pretenders. So listen for music. Own it and dance. It’s not easy. Sometimes you need to pretend to be a dancer but do it enough and you’ll find your space. You’ll find your flow. And when you do, you’ll align yourself with the opportunities, sexual and otherwise, that happen upon people who have developed their own self-assured sense of security.

Maybe that means you’ll be sexing it up like a motherfucker in the months to come, or maybe you’ll be the most bad-ass virgin the people in your life have ever seen. The key is authenticity and self acceptance. You are worth that.

Do you ever get bored with sex?

I get bored of everything, from time to time. I think we all do. We don’t have the concentration span to be infinitely engaged with one thing, and no thing is here to infinitely engage us. We’re just here. And so is that. Sometimes those paths cross, and sometimes they keep crossing. Sometimes they never cross.

The point is, no path is the ‘right’ one. It’s just a path. Most of us don’t have much control over which path, or options of paths, we’ll travel. But some of us look at paths that most people seem to be travelling and ask ourselves why we’re not on theirs instead. Then we get bored of our own. We undermine the validity of the path we’re on. The path which belongs to us alone. The most beautiful path of all.

If we ever find ourselves bored, it’s often because our gaze has been distracted towards the idea that there’s a different path we should be on. Perhaps that’s the path in which we’re more sexually active or adventurous. But happiness isn’t about bulldozing our way into some other direction; it’s about embracing the path we’re on. When we do that, our own path begins to fulfil us fundamentally.

The stars only shine when our eyes become accustomed to the night sky.

What exactly is your sexual preference?

I’m more interested in the question than the answer. What is this desire to categorize others all about? Why the need to box people?

One of the most beautiful things about our shared humanity is our diversity. Our desires and experiences are broad and varied, and I find that wonderful. Just as we differ in shape and size, so we differ in sexuality and gender identification, and some of us even find variations on that within one lifetime!

My precise sexuality isn’t important. I’m a lover of all that’s beautiful, and given I believe beauty is an inherent and core part of everybody, that means I generally love everyone I meet, even if that beauty is hidden beneath prejudice and hurtful experiences

This blog stands proudly and unashamedly in allegiance and solidarity with people of all sexualities and gender types. I stand hand in hand with my lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender followers just as I do my straight followers.

Together, we make all the colours of the rainbow.

Love is the answer.