I can’t remember what it was like before.

I try, but I can’t remember.

Two human years ago, I was staring out of a big cage. Sometimes, big people would appear.

They’d stare and make smacking sounds with their lips and put their fingers through the bars and it was a bit scary. Then they’d go to a desk and someone behind it would write their details down.

The humans pets I live with now say they were all the people who wanted to give me a new home (I can understand every word, but I pretend I can’t because I can get away with more shit).

Turns out my human pets were the ones at the top of that list, and they took me home.

Two human years ago today.

I guess, before the cage, things were different. But I can’t remember.

All I know is that now I get fed and I get played with and I get cuddles. Best of all, I get to annoy the humans every day but all they seem to do is love me more.



They’re talking weird today, these humans. Telling me I’m won.

I know I’ve won – I’m the Doo!

I was born winning.

But I must have done something extra good today, because today I’m not only won, I also get a treat. Fresh tyunah!! OMG gimme now just gimme already OMFG I want tyunah so bad.

It’s not even tyunahforhyumans, it’s the good shit. The kind of tyunah I can’t eat too much of.

Why am I getting it today? It’s because “I’m won”.


They also bought me a card. I couldn’t work out what it said. It was just a mess of squiggles. Don’t they know I’m not Welsh?!

It had a cake with one candle on it and there were pictures of balloons.

Naturally, I started ripping it to pieces.

So, a strange day for yours truly. But any day I get this much love is a day I’ll enjoy!

Audios Are So Easy

Sometimes he shuts the door and makes noises.

What’s going on in there?! Fucked if I know. I just wait outside and hopefully he’ll play with me when he comes out.

The noises are weird, though. They’re like.. UUUGGGHHH and GRRRRRRR and OOOOOOOOO

There’s often laughing and he sounds like he’s talking to an old friend but there’s only him in there! I know because I’m the Doo. I know every inch of this place. Nothing escapes my attention. Everything’s on my radar.

Anyway, so one time he shut the door and he probably thought I went off to eat or sleep or some shit, but actually I parked up outside and listened in.

I don’t know what he said (he keeps talking in this incomprehensible gibberish language instead of meows and purrs like normal people) but I figured – whatever he’s doing, it must be worth it, right? I mean, he keeps doing it.

So I decided to give it a go. I made my own audio. Here it is:


You’re not allowed to not like it, K? It felt quite personal, in a strange way.


Dis Mine Now

I love saying that. Except, I don’t really say it. I do it.

Dis mine now.

My favourite is when he’s sitting down, legs out, feet up.

Sometimes he’s reading, sometimes he’s eating. Sometimes he’s snoozing, sometimes he’s talking into that rectangular thing he keeps in his pocket.

It matters none.

I see the lap, I own the lap. That’s how it works. What Floofy wants, Floofy gets.

Dis mine now.

It’s not just laps, though. It works on all sorts.

Food? Mine now.

Drink of water? Mine now.

Bed space? Mine now.

It’s what I do. And I do it so well. So, so well.

So picture the thing you love to have. Are you thinking of it? Can you see it in your mind?

Mine now.

Ode to the Green String

Oh Green String, how you tempt me,

Bringing joy to days otherwise empty,

You compel me with your greenish frays,

Indulge me in my kittenish ways.

I love to chase your frazzled end,

Back and forth through twist and bend.

To catch you is my one ambition,

Through hallway long, into the kitchen,

Then back to living room you go,

I will not rest – you’re mine, you know!

Now slower runs and panting breath,

You always give me such a test.

One day I’ll catch you, oh Green String,

Even though, you’re not a thing.

The Bestest Taste Ever

There was this weird and busy time called crissmus.

It meant many new things, including not one but TWO trees in the house and lots of sparkly toys.

Anyway, I discovered something that makes me happy and sad at the same time. My tall monkey possesses a special food called ‘tyunahforhyumans’.

He brought it out for me on crissmus morning and it’s the absolute best thing I have ever tasted. I have to wonder, why has he been feeding me this thing called kittenmush when tyunahforhumans exists in the world.

He shrugged at me and said that was it. That’s all he had.

Silly me. I believed him.

Today, I caught him with more tyunahforhyumans. I could smell it.

I sat in the middle of the kitchen and gave him the biggest what for I could muster. “How DARE you?”, I squeaked. “Are you going to share then?”

He pretended like he didn’t understand catnese. He said, “Aww, Dooey Doo Drop, this is chilli tyunahforhyumans.”

He told me I wouldn’t like it and I said I’d be the judge of that.

He gave me a few flakes of some hideous thing on the end of his finger to sniff that burnt my nostrils.

Naturally I turned my nose up at it and asked again, a little louder but still politely, for the tyunaforhyumans.

He laughed. Can you believe it?


Back to kittenmush for me then, I s’pose.

Checking Up

My human said we were going to a check-up and not to worry.

Why would I worry?  I check up all the time.

Just the other day, I was in the middle of cleaning the inner part of my back leg when I felt the urge to check up.  I stayed that way so long that he started glancing to the ceiling and asking me what I was looking at.

I wasn’t looking at anything.  I was just checking up.

You can imagine my shock when he bundled me into a moving box and put me in a bigger, louder, moving box.  The last time this happened was when I met my human and went to live with him. Why would he put me in here again?

After my initial cries for help had no effect, I sat there very quietly and awaited my fate.

He took me to a strange room and lifted me out.

I found myself on a white platform where a stranger started prodding me and looking at my teeth and putting cold things on my chest. I tried to get away but my human kept patting my head and speaking to me softly and telling me everything was okay.

Everything was NOT okay.

The other human looked pleased and told us that I was presenting very well and that I was very healthy.


I could have told him that if he’d asked me.

We went home after that.  My human told me I was very good and very brave and I did so well.  He tried to make it up to me with dinner and lots of cuddles.

I know one thing for sure.  I am NEVER going back into that little box again.

Nothing good ever comes of it.